Something is wrong.. the world is off kilter. nothing looks quite right, and i'm hurting so bad.
I knew this day was coming, I have known it for many years. I thought I was prepared for it but Boy oh Boy was I wrong. It has hit me as a ton of bricks. Its not the end of the world but it sure is the end of something. It is supposed to be a wonderful day, a happy day , and i want it to be but it is not.
Today, after almost 19 years of saving, and telling her all these years that it was what was best for her, Today i took my daughter to college and I feel like I'm going to die...
I have a huge hole in my heart. I cant stop crying. It's not the distance. She is only a little over a hour away. It is something else. I have been hurt before, physically many broken bones and surgeries and fights. I have lost loved ones to death and divorce but nothing has hurt like this.
I have lost my little girl to the world.
The world that does not love her like we do, the world that doesn't know how very special she is and how tender her heart can be..the world that doesn't appreciate her smile or her laugh or her beautiful intelligent eyes or the way she snuggles into her bed as she falls asleep.
the world that is full of hard hearted and hard minded people..
I cant protect her anymore..
Where is my faith in God?
It is right here.
I KNOW that it was never me that was protecting her. it was God,
I KNOW that i must give her and her future over to the Lord Jesus, with faith in HIM. and her
I KNOW God loves her as much or even more than i do.
BUT IT STILL HURTS SOOO BADDD. I Look at her picture and i sob deeply. i hold her worn dog pillow, spot, that she slept with all those nights and i cry so hard i feel like i'm going to explode. and it still hurts.
I pray to my loving God that i trust and ask him why This is affecting me so..
I go running, i want something other that my heart to hurt.
I'm crying and I'm praying, and then
I hear a small still voice in my head.
"You now have a small glimpse of how much I hurt when one of my children reject me."
and i get it.
my daughter is not saying she doubts my existance. she is not saying i must not care because of what others do. she is not ignoring the sacrifice of my Son for her behalf. and i have not lost her to an eternity of doom and agony and sorrow.. But God looses thousands of his children everyday. children that he knows better than i know my daughter. children that he gave his only son to save.
i must remember this pain the next time i feel Christ leading me to share the gospel or do something else. I DO NOT WANT GOD TO HURT EVEN MORE THAN THIS BECAUSE I DID NOT DO MY PART TO SAVE ONE OF HIS CHILDREN..
I still hurt, I still miss my daughter so bad it is hard to breath, but i know why God, who loves me, is allowing me to hurt so deeply, So that others will not..
Father GOD I hear you, PLEASE PROTECT AND SAVE MY DAUGHTER, AND FATHER PLEASE DONT LET ME FORGET YOUR OTHER CHILDREN.
I still cry, not as often, and maybe its not just for her...
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Friday, August 18, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Yes!! God is Good and so is Life
My life has been crazy lately but in a good way. i'm so multi-tasking. as i write this i have just washed dishes, folded clothes,paid taxes online and watched parts of a cool movie on tv..
not excuses,
just explanations as to why i have not been writing.. not that anyone is reading and that is cool. i'm finally able to admit this is just my dairy... later gater
not excuses,
just explanations as to why i have not been writing.. not that anyone is reading and that is cool. i'm finally able to admit this is just my dairy... later gater
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Needs To Be Said
The following is a quote from the "Our Daily Bread" series by RBC Ministries, PO Box 2222. Grand Rapids Michigan, June 2006:
" Can more than half of the US adult population be wrong? A survey by the barna research group recently revealed that 54 percent say that people who are generally good and do enough good things for others will earn a place in heaven.( WRONG. bm) That is just one of many methods people suggest as ways to merit entrance into God's eternal kingdom.
Lets think about what has to happen for a person to get to heaven, and why the good works idea falls short.
First we must realize that we are all born spiritually dead. In ephesians 2:1 we are taught that we "were dead in trespasses and sins." The spiritual aspect of our existence was dead on arrival when we were physically born into this world. That soul, however can be made alive. Paul described it like this: "For as in adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive" 1 Corinthians 15:22
To be made alive, a transaction must take place. Something specific has to happen to turn what was dead into something alive. It is not triggered by good works but happens only when, by faith, you accept God's gift of salvation 2 Corinthiaans 6:2 ; Ephesians 2:8.
Is your soul alive Today?
If not, make the transaction and accept God's wonderful gift. - Dave Branon
The Transaction
" Can more than half of the US adult population be wrong? A survey by the barna research group recently revealed that 54 percent say that people who are generally good and do enough good things for others will earn a place in heaven.( WRONG. bm) That is just one of many methods people suggest as ways to merit entrance into God's eternal kingdom.
Lets think about what has to happen for a person to get to heaven, and why the good works idea falls short.
First we must realize that we are all born spiritually dead. In ephesians 2:1 we are taught that we "were dead in trespasses and sins." The spiritual aspect of our existence was dead on arrival when we were physically born into this world. That soul, however can be made alive. Paul described it like this: "For as in adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive" 1 Corinthians 15:22
To be made alive, a transaction must take place. Something specific has to happen to turn what was dead into something alive. It is not triggered by good works but happens only when, by faith, you accept God's gift of salvation 2 Corinthiaans 6:2 ; Ephesians 2:8.
Is your soul alive Today?
If not, make the transaction and accept God's wonderful gift. - Dave Branon
Choose now, just now; your soul's at stake;
What will your answer be?
Tis life or death; the choice you make
Is for Eternity-- Anon "
LIFE'S BIGGEST DECISION IS WHAT YOU DO WITH ( BELIEVE ABOUT) JESUS...
this might seem like a strange thing to post but i felt compelled by the holy spirit to get it on the blog today..
and i'm not worried about be perceived as strange..
What will your answer be?
Tis life or death; the choice you make
Is for Eternity-- Anon "
LIFE'S BIGGEST DECISION IS WHAT YOU DO WITH ( BELIEVE ABOUT) JESUS...
this might seem like a strange thing to post but i felt compelled by the holy spirit to get it on the blog today..
and i'm not worried about be perceived as strange..
Sunday, April 16, 2006
#15
There have been many houses in my life, but the brown one will always be special.
The next section of my youth that i remember is the 2 houses near Matheny St . i lived there from about 8 to 15 years old. that was the longest time i ever lived in one area, the houses were in the same block and almost back to back. we live in the first one for about 2 years and then moved in the other one that was built for us.. IT HAD AIR CONDITIONING. i remember sleeping on the couch under layers of covers....
i did a lot of growing there.
i remember snow that was 2 or 3 feet deep. i remember a mini bike/ that is a small motorcycle.
i remember my mother buying me a set of books called the "life cycle library". a single mom's way of talking to her young son about sex. i learned a lot about the clinical act, but i'm still learning about the emotional aspects of love. OH YEA!!!!!
i remember riding the mini bike in the snow. i remember a dog being run over by a car, i dont remember what he was called.
i remember many many afternoons and evenings of playing football in a neighbors large back year. i remember being hit in the face while playing and my mother taking me to the doctors office for stiches in my face. and then my mother calling the other guys homes and telling them to quit picking on her little boy.
i was one of the most aggressive and toughtest ones playing but my mother did not see it that way of course.
i still catch jokes about that even now. and it causes me to miss mama
i remember going with my mother to a hardware store, she was looking at clothes washers and dryers. she found some that she liked and i didnt understand why we did not get to take them home and then my mother explained to me that we did not have enough money and they would not give them to us on credit. that moment was one i will allways remember because i realized at that moment that we were poor... up to that time i did not even consider money as a part of my life.
i remember while living at that house i first became involved in church. i was attending a presbyterian church and was involved in the youth group and i also helped out at the church, cutting grass and cleaning up. i did not learn much that i can remember about Jesus or God, but i learned that a church family is a great and wonderful thing....
added 9/8/11 i remember almost burning one of the houses down while i was playing with matches and then lying vehemently to cover myself.. there was home made ice cream and riding girls on the seat of my bike while i stood up and peddled.. cheryl mckinney rachel buckalooare two that come to mind, and other faces and legs that i remember but the names have escaped me..
this is also where i lived when i received my drivers license..
the first car i ever owned was a fiat spider convertible.. my brother loaned me the money to buy it and i paid him back..
The next section of my youth that i remember is the 2 houses near Matheny St . i lived there from about 8 to 15 years old. that was the longest time i ever lived in one area, the houses were in the same block and almost back to back. we live in the first one for about 2 years and then moved in the other one that was built for us.. IT HAD AIR CONDITIONING. i remember sleeping on the couch under layers of covers....
i did a lot of growing there.
i remember snow that was 2 or 3 feet deep. i remember a mini bike/ that is a small motorcycle.
i remember my mother buying me a set of books called the "life cycle library". a single mom's way of talking to her young son about sex. i learned a lot about the clinical act, but i'm still learning about the emotional aspects of love. OH YEA!!!!!
i remember riding the mini bike in the snow. i remember a dog being run over by a car, i dont remember what he was called.
i remember many many afternoons and evenings of playing football in a neighbors large back year. i remember being hit in the face while playing and my mother taking me to the doctors office for stiches in my face. and then my mother calling the other guys homes and telling them to quit picking on her little boy.
i was one of the most aggressive and toughtest ones playing but my mother did not see it that way of course.
i still catch jokes about that even now. and it causes me to miss mama
i remember going with my mother to a hardware store, she was looking at clothes washers and dryers. she found some that she liked and i didnt understand why we did not get to take them home and then my mother explained to me that we did not have enough money and they would not give them to us on credit. that moment was one i will allways remember because i realized at that moment that we were poor... up to that time i did not even consider money as a part of my life.
i remember while living at that house i first became involved in church. i was attending a presbyterian church and was involved in the youth group and i also helped out at the church, cutting grass and cleaning up. i did not learn much that i can remember about Jesus or God, but i learned that a church family is a great and wonderful thing....
added 9/8/11 i remember almost burning one of the houses down while i was playing with matches and then lying vehemently to cover myself.. there was home made ice cream and riding girls on the seat of my bike while i stood up and peddled.. cheryl mckinney rachel buckalooare two that come to mind, and other faces and legs that i remember but the names have escaped me..
this is also where i lived when i received my drivers license..
the first car i ever owned was a fiat spider convertible.. my brother loaned me the money to buy it and i paid him back..
Sunday, March 19, 2006
#14
about the brown house. i seem to have a lot of memories of that house, more so than others.
i recall one day when i came home from school one of my brothers and one of his friends were there and we got into an argument about something and i made an obscene gesture at my brother and i remember him getting a knife and chasing me around the kitchen table. boys will be boys
i remember riding my back with a group of older kids to another town. this was a ride of about 10 or 11 miles. it was great fun. that was freedom. i also remember often taking the water hose and washing the outside of the house. the house did not belong to us but i really liked that house.
this was about the time my grandmother who was living with us died. i dont have a lot of memories of her but my family tells me that i was her favorite. that she would take me into her room and give me candy and things and not give any of my 5 brothers or sisters any..
i was sad at her funeral but i dont remember crying, an odd behavior i repeated at both of my parents funerals.. more on that later.
the brown house is gone now. i drive by where it used to be almost every day and it makes me both sad and happy
i recall one day when i came home from school one of my brothers and one of his friends were there and we got into an argument about something and i made an obscene gesture at my brother and i remember him getting a knife and chasing me around the kitchen table. boys will be boys
i remember riding my back with a group of older kids to another town. this was a ride of about 10 or 11 miles. it was great fun. that was freedom. i also remember often taking the water hose and washing the outside of the house. the house did not belong to us but i really liked that house.
this was about the time my grandmother who was living with us died. i dont have a lot of memories of her but my family tells me that i was her favorite. that she would take me into her room and give me candy and things and not give any of my 5 brothers or sisters any..
i was sad at her funeral but i dont remember crying, an odd behavior i repeated at both of my parents funerals.. more on that later.
the brown house is gone now. i drive by where it used to be almost every day and it makes me both sad and happy
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