So Many Tears

Something is wrong.. the world is off kilter. nothing looks quite right, and i'm hurting so bad.
I knew this day was coming, I have known it for many years. I thought I was prepared for it but Boy oh Boy was I wrong. It has hit me as a ton of bricks. Its not the end of the world but it sure is the end of something. It is supposed to be a wonderful day, a happy day , and i want it to be but it is not.

Today, after almost 19 years of saving, and telling her all these years that it was what was best for her, Today i took my daughter to college and I feel like I'm going to die...

I have a huge hole in my heart. I cant stop crying. It's not the distance. She is only a little over a hour away. It is something else. I have been hurt before, physically many broken bones and surgeries and fights. I have lost loved ones to death and divorce but nothing has hurt like this.
I have lost my little girl to the world.
The world that does not love her like we do, the world that doesn't know how very special she is and how tender her heart can be..the world that doesn't appreciate her smile or her laugh or her beautiful intelligent eyes or the way she snuggles into her bed as she falls asleep.
the world that is full of hard hearted and hard minded people..
I cant protect her anymore..
Where is my faith in God?
It is right here.
I KNOW that it was never me that was protecting her. it was God,
I KNOW that i must give her and her future over to the Lord Jesus, with faith in HIM. and her
I KNOW God loves her as much or even more than i do.
BUT IT STILL HURTS SOOO BADDD. I Look at her picture and i sob deeply. i hold her worn dog pillow, spot, that she slept with all those nights and i cry so hard i feel like i'm going to explode. and it still hurts.
I pray to my loving God that i trust and ask him why This is affecting me so..
I go running, i want something other that my heart to hurt.
I'm crying and I'm praying, and then
I hear a small still voice in my head.
"You now have a small glimpse of how much I hurt when one of my children reject me."
and i get it.
my daughter is not saying she doubts my existance. she is not saying i must not care because of what others do. she is not ignoring the sacrifice of my Son for her behalf. and i have not lost her to an eternity of doom and agony and sorrow.. But God looses thousands of his children everyday. children that he knows better than i know my daughter. children that he gave his only son to save.
i must remember this pain the next time i feel Christ leading me to share the gospel or do something else. I DO NOT WANT GOD TO HURT EVEN MORE THAN THIS BECAUSE I DID NOT DO MY PART TO SAVE ONE OF HIS CHILDREN..

I still hurt, I still miss my daughter so bad it is hard to breath, but i know why God, who loves me, is allowing me to hurt so deeply, So that others will not..

Father GOD I hear you, PLEASE PROTECT AND SAVE MY DAUGHTER, AND FATHER PLEASE DONT LET ME FORGET YOUR OTHER CHILDREN.

I still cry, not as often, and maybe its not just for her...

Yes!! God is Good and so is Life

My life has been crazy lately but in a good way. i'm so multi-tasking. as i write this i have just washed dishes, folded clothes,paid taxes online and watched parts of a cool movie on tv..
not excuses,
just explanations as to why i have not been writing.. not that anyone is reading and that is cool. i'm finally able to admit this is just my dairy...     later gater

Needs To Be Said

The following is a quote from the "Our Daily Bread" series by RBC Ministries, PO Box 2222. Grand Rapids Michigan, June 2006:

The Transaction

" Can more than half of the US adult population be wrong? A survey by the barna research group recently revealed that 54 percent say that people who are generally good and do enough good things for others will earn a place in heaven.( WRONG. bm) That is just one of many methods people suggest as ways to merit entrance into God's eternal kingdom.
Lets think about what has to happen for a person to get to heaven, and why the good works idea falls short.
First we must realize that we are all born spiritually dead. In ephesians 2:1 we are taught that we "were dead in trespasses and sins." The spiritual aspect of our existence was dead on arrival when we were physically born into this world. That soul, however can be made alive. Paul described it like this: "For as in adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive" 1 Corinthians 15:22
To be made alive, a transaction must take place. Something specific has to happen to turn what was dead into something alive. It is not triggered by good works but happens only when, by faith, you accept God's gift of salvation 2 Corinthiaans 6:2 ; Ephesians 2:8.
Is your soul alive Today?
If not, make the transaction and accept God's wonderful gift. - Dave Branon

Choose now, just now; your soul's at stake;
What will your answer be?
Tis life or death; the choice you make
Is for Eternity-- Anon "

LIFE'S BIGGEST DECISION IS WHAT YOU DO WITH ( BELIEVE ABOUT)  JESUS...



this might seem like a strange thing to post but i felt compelled by the holy spirit to get it on the blog today..
and i'm not worried about be perceived as strange..

#15

There have been many houses in my life, but the brown one will always be special.

The next section of my youth that i remember is the 2 houses near  Matheny St . i lived there from about 8 to 15 years old. that was the longest time i ever lived in one area, the houses were in the same block and almost back to back. we live in the first one for about 2 years and then moved in the other one that was built for us.. IT HAD AIR CONDITIONING. i remember sleeping on the couch under layers of covers....
i did a lot of growing there.
i remember snow that was 2 or 3 feet deep. i remember a mini bike/ that is a small motorcycle.
i remember my mother buying me a set of books called the "life cycle library". a single mom's way of talking to her young son about sex. i learned a lot about the clinical act, but i'm still learning about the emotional aspects of love.  OH YEA!!!!!
i remember riding the mini bike in the snow. i remember a dog being run over by a car, i dont remember what he was called.
i remember many many afternoons  and evenings of playing football in a neighbors large back year. i remember being hit in the face while playing and my mother taking me to the doctors office for stiches in my face. and then my mother calling the other guys homes and telling them to quit picking on her little boy.
i was one of the most aggressive and toughtest ones playing but my mother did not see it that way of course.
i still catch jokes about that even now. and it causes me to miss mama

i remember going with my mother to a hardware store, she was looking at clothes washers and dryers. she found some that she liked and i didnt understand why we did not get to take them home and then my mother explained to me that we did not have enough money and they would not give them to us on credit. that moment was one i will allways remember because i realized at that moment that we were poor... up to that time i did not even consider money as a part of my life.

i remember while living at that house i first became involved in church. i was attending a presbyterian church and was involved in the youth group and i also helped out at the church, cutting grass and cleaning up. i did not learn much that i can remember about Jesus or God, but i learned that a church family is a great and wonderful thing....

added 9/8/11  i remember almost burning one of the houses down while i was playing with matches and then lying vehemently to cover myself.. there was home made ice cream and riding girls on the seat of my bike while i stood up and peddled.. cheryl mckinney rachel buckalooare two that come to mind,  and other faces and legs that i remember but the names have escaped me..

this is also where i lived when i received my drivers license..
the first car i ever owned was a fiat spider convertible.. my brother loaned me the money to buy it and i paid him back..

#14

about the brown house. i seem to have a lot of memories of that house, more so than others.
i recall one day when i came home from school one of my brothers and one of his friends were there and we got into an argument about something and i made an obscene gesture at my brother and i remember him getting a knife and chasing me around the kitchen table. boys will be boys
i remember riding my back with a group of older kids to another town. this was a ride of about 10 or 11 miles. it was great fun. that was freedom. i also remember often taking the water hose and washing the outside of the house. the house did not belong to us but i really liked that house.
this was about the time my grandmother who was living with us died. i dont have a lot of memories of her but my family tells me that i was her favorite. that she would take me into her room and give me candy and things and not give any of my 5 brothers or sisters any..
i was sad at her funeral but i dont remember crying, an odd behavior i repeated at both of my parents funerals.. more on that later.
the brown house is gone now. i drive by where it used to be almost every day and it makes me both sad and happy

# 13

i believe it will be simpler to number the posts from this point on. It will make it much easier for me in writing and easier for anyone who is reading them.

the last thing i want to add about the incident in my back yard is that i was never angry with my brother about what happened. we were playing and it was an accident..
and besides i got to ride in my oldest sisters lap in a vw beetle to the hospital. That was cool.

several years later we moved to a house in another town close by. where i live most of the towns are close by. this was a large two story house. and my grandmother was living with us. it was christmas time and i had been asking santa for a bicycle. and i got one. i also remember eating peanut brittle with my dad. i dont know why that memory sticks out in my mind but it does.
The most memorial thing about this house is that it burned to the ground right after christmas.
i was awaken one morning by my mother. i remember smelling smoke and she told me to run across the street to our neighbors and tell them to call the fire department. i did this and i remember being so embrassed about them seeing me in my footie p.j's
the fire took everything we had and all our christmas presents except my bike. i remember seeing it sitting in the front yard with the house burning down in the back ground. it was determined that an electrical space heater in my grandmothers room started the fire.
i still remember the firemen draging my grandmother out of the house because she did not want to go...
we then moved to another small town into what i have allways called the big brown house.
again it was two stories, and my grandmother was with us.
i have a lot of memories of this house.
i remember that it was at an intersection across from a service station that was managed by my cousin. i remember that across the main highway and down one block was my mothers sister's house.
one time my next oldest brother walked to my aunt's house to ask her if my mother could borrow a cigarette. the only problem with this was that it was about 3:00 am , my aunt did not smoke and everyone was sound asleep at both houses, including my brother. we allways thought it was a miracle that he did not get hit by a vehicle. of course it was the early 1960's and there were not that many vehicle around, especially at that time of the morning.
i also remember waking during the night and looking out one of the windows at the A&p grocery store that was near the house. my other brother, was working there unloading produce in the early morning. i would look out the window and miss him and feel sorry for him at the same time. i dont recall exactly why i felt sorry for him, but that feeling was strong.
i loved that house because i could ride my bike all over town, going much farther that my mother would have every allowed, if she had known how far away i went on that bike she would have beeten me and ran over the bike..
the service station was my favorite place in the world at that time. my cousin would let me help him pump gas, and clean windwhields and i would sweep up and hang out and make a nusience of myself. i occasionally skipped school to pump gas. another thing i dont think my mother ever knew.
at the rear of the service station was a construction company owned by the same family that owned the service station. i would spend time in the office hanging out and they would also let me ride in the dump trucks.
that sounds kinda wierd now but in that time it was not. it was a different world then. i was never mistreated and those people treated me like a little brother.
i was even allowed by some of the truck drivers to work the controls that raised the dump bed.
i can still remember what the two large metal handles that controlled the dump bed looked and felt like.... that was a wonderful, wonderful time.
i loved doing that kind of thing and i now realize why i'm drawn to that kind of job. the kind where your doing something with your hands and when you finish you can look at what you have accomplished. i got more satisfaction out of pumping gas and cleaning windshields and doing it the best i could than almost any job i have had since i was grown..

Hard to remember...

As i have said before most of my life before 13 or 14 years of age i just do not remember. there are spots of light, like the A&W rootbeer story that are vivid to me , and then there may be years later when i have another spot of memory.
The next bright spot is several years later. I'm about 6 or 7 and we are living in another house in another city. but we are still having problems with prowlers, i suppose as a result of the bank robbery my father commited. you would think that people would get the idea that if we had any money we would be spending it, like on decent houses or nice cars or clothes without holes in them. anyway we were living in this house that has an attached shed next to it. because of the lay of the land in the back yard you could step up onto the roof of the shed, as easily as climbing a short stair. you could then walk on the roof of our house. i recall waking up one night to a disturbance. i go into the living room and my entire family is standing around looking at the ceiling. my mother has a broom in her hand and she is knocking on the ceiling with the broom handle... there is a pause and then someone knocks back. There was someone on the roof of our house.
so my family decides that my oldest brother should run next door for help. this vote was taken without his consent or approval. this was evidenced by my mother literally shoving him to the front door, opening it, and shoving him out and then pulling the door closed behind him. my brother was not stupid, he knew that his only hope was to get help because my mother was not going to let him back in no matter what. So he ran, i believe faster than he ever had before. he was running so fast that when he got to our neighbors front porch he jumped up on it, slid past the front door, through the furniture there and completely off the other side. the neighbor hearing the commotion of my brother came out to see what animal was on his porch.
eventially the police arrived. but of course by then the prowler was gone. the next day i and everyone else saw the muddy footprints that led from the back yard, up to the roof..
I have another memory of that house so it must be around that time because we often did not live in one spot long.
I recall my oldest brotherand, The same one from the previous memory, and i was playing in the back yard of that house. my brother had a pole, it was long and sharp on one end.. You know boys will play with anything. My brother was throwing the pole like a javelin. i remember my mother coming to the back door and telling my brother to stop throwing the pole before he hurt me.. Well life being what is is my mother had no more that stepped back into the house then my brother threw the pole into the air and it came down right onto my head. I remember that it hurt some but i was not knocked out or anything. My brother knew more than i because he turned pale as a ghost. and i noticed something running down into my eyes. my brother came over to me and told me to go into the house and find my sister. i still didnt know what was going on especially when i saw my brother running as hard as he could into the woods behind our house. i walked into the kitchen and my mother or sister or both was there washing dishes . i remember screaming and i remember someone taking the dish cloth that was being used to do the dishes and putting it on my head.. i also remember my mother running through the house yelling " my babys gonna die" !!
Well i discovered at an early age that head woulds, even small ones, bleed profusely. the gash i had on my head resulted in a trip to the emergency room for me and several nights spent living in the woods for my brother. my sisters tell me that that was a smart thing for my brother to do because my mother was not , at that point in her life, into forgiveness.. my poor brother..

Back to the original story

O.K. my dad is in prison for bank robbery and my mother has 6 kids and no means of support..
what about the money from the robbery you say, well most of it was given back . what was not given back is what my family spent to pay the rent and buy groceries..
interestingly enough for months after my dads photo and name appeared in the papers we had prowlers.
my mom said she thought that is was people who thought we still had some of the money hid around the house and wanted it. there were people under our house and wandering around our yard reqularly at night. and of course this scared the crap ( fine scottish verbage) out of us kids.
most of this i dont remember but bits and pieces do come through. i remember being scared because someone was outside our house at night. times were hard then, hard enough that people would steal from a woman and 6 hungry kids..
I vividly remember my mothers going to work at an A & W rootbeer restaurant. i remember this because she would have to work until late at night and i remember that she would wake us kids up when she would come in to feed us. they would let her bring home the left over food for us and i remember like it was last night the smells and the taste of the mama and papa burgers and the way they looked wrapped in the foil they came in. mom would bring home root beer in glass jars and we would have our main and sometimes only meal of the day late at night.. that was some of the best food i have ever eaten..