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Something is wrong.. the world is off kilter. nothing looks quite right, and i'm hurting so bad.
I knew this day was coming, I have known it for many years. I thought I was prepared for it but Boy oh Boy was I wrong. It has hit me as a ton of bricks. Its not the end of the world but it sure is the end of something. It is supposed to be a wonderful day, a happy day , and i want it to be but it is not.
Today, after almost 19 years of saving, and telling her all these years that it was what was best for her, Today i took my daughter to college and I feel like I'm going to die...
I have a huge hole in my heart. I cant stop crying. It's not the distance. She is only a little over a hour away. It is something else. I have been hurt before, physically many broken bones and surgeries and fights. I have lost loved ones to death and divorce but nothing has hurt like this.
I have lost my little girl to the world.
The world that does not love her like we do, the world that doesn't know how very special she is and how tender her heart can be..the world that doesn't appreciate her smile or her laugh or her beautiful intelligent eyes or the way she snuggles into her bed as she falls asleep.
the world that is full of hard hearted and hard minded people..
I cant protect her anymore..
Where is my faith in God?
It is right here.
I KNOW that it was never me that was protecting her. it was God,
I KNOW that i must give her and her future over to the Lord Jesus, with faith in HIM. and her
I KNOW God loves her as much or even more than i do.
BUT IT STILL HURTS SOOO BADDD. I Look at her picture and i sob deeply. i hold her worn dog pillow, spot, that she slept with all those nights and i cry so hard i feel like i'm going to explode. and it still hurts.
I pray to my loving God that i trust and ask him why This is affecting me so..
I go running, i want something other that my heart to hurt.
I'm crying and I'm praying, and then
I hear a small still voice in my head.
"You now have a small glimpse of how much I hurt when one of my children reject me."
and i get it.
my daughter is not saying she doubts my existance. she is not saying i must not care because of what others do. she is not ignoring the sacrifice of my Son for her behalf. and i have not lost her to an eternity of doom and agony and sorrow.. But God looses thousands of his children everyday. children that he knows better than i know my daughter. children that he gave his only son to save.
i must remember this pain the next time i feel Christ leading me to share the gospel or do something else. I DO NOT WANT GOD TO HURT EVEN MORE THAN THIS BECAUSE I DID NOT DO MY PART TO SAVE ONE OF HIS CHILDREN..
I still hurt, I still miss my daughter so bad it is hard to breath, but i know why God, who loves me, is allowing me to hurt so deeply, So that others will not..
Father GOD I hear you, PLEASE PROTECT AND SAVE MY DAUGHTER, AND FATHER PLEASE DONT LET ME FORGET YOUR OTHER CHILDREN.
I still cry, not as often, and maybe its not just for her...
